It was an emotional roller coaster of a day. Aside from being backlogged at work and it’s time to get hours in for the last month, the cats had their first vet appointment in about 4 years so they had the full workup and were not happy about it. We got that done and I headed to the gym at 1. I did my usual 2 miles almost having a panic attack over something called ‘the end’ in my head over and over again. After my cool-down walk back to the car, I was feeling slightly better. Well enough to head home and get to work, there’s a ton to get done. I get seated at the computer and start working on an issue and Mike texts saying that he got a strange FB message from Beth asking to call her. Oddly enough at the same time, I’m getting a 2FA request from FB to change my password. So someone got hacked, right? Mike and I realize that we don’t have a text number on Beth or Tony for that matter and figuring Mike was at work and couldn’t make a call I’d just call the house and see what’s up.

Beth answered, she’s got a very distinctive voice and you could tell something was wrong. “Tony had a heart attack this morning and died”. My brain understood “Tony”, and it understood “heart attack and died” but it was having trouble merging the two concepts. “I’m so sorry” is all that came out which was thankfully somehow filtered from the “Are you fucking kidding me” that my brain was actually returning from the failing merge operation stated above.

And that’s it. Tony is dead. He leaves behind a wife and children, family and friends who don’t have a choice to go on because that’s what life does, it’s indifferent to the dead, they physically aren’t in the equation anymore. But they are forever ingrained in our hearts and minds as we move forward in a world that’s suddenly a bit dimmer and a little harder to laugh in, and there’s yet another entry in my contacts that I can neither call nor delete.

I’m sad for the loss of my friend, I’m even sadder knowing what his wife and children must be going through. Funeral plans have not been announced but I feel I have to go, I regret not going to ones of people who were a large part of my life. Grief is better shared among those who understand and feel the loss together. I’ll try to attend if I can.